Saturday musings

Have you ever just sat and listened. Mind off and senses on? Felt the floor/ground underneath you? Soaked up the rays/ weather of the moment? Hear the songs of the bugs and birds and/or the rhythmic patterns of the urban and or rules life go about you? I admit this isn't something I usually do unless I am camping (which is a blue moon at this point), however, after waking up at 1am and laying in bed till 515am I couldn't stay put, not even the shower and morning routine helped and by 630am, that morning sun was calling me! So I took my camping/livingroom/computer chair out in a sunny spot (the side of the apartment building) and just sat and soaked. I heard the cicadas, the morning birds, the patterned whirring of the generator fan/AC units, and the music of the early morning traffic on the nearest street (we live close to a major street) to my seat. I gotta say, that mindful mental health thing about nature/meditation/relaxation worked pretty well for me. 

An hour and a half later, I came back in, cleaned luna toys, and found her waking up. We had a good hour of entertainment from "sleeping" to stuffed animal playing, to somehow her playing rough and tumble with her stuffed bear that's at least twice her size. By the time my other half was up, we were all settled into begging out in the living room (or in places we can hear our respective veg items of choice.

By the time we had pancakes for breakfast and Luna a fun-filled bubble bath, the blue skies were calling again and this it was a family walking affair. Again I don't really know why I put myself in these conversations (as I am usually-always with my other half-the one to start them) but it was pointed out to me that I am basically my own worst enemy. I heard s song while my in-law(s) were here that storied a tale about a boy who at first saw the world in all the colors and was systematically beaten down to the point of which when he came to a place that thought in all the colors, he could not conceive the world as anything but the "true colors"

"Flowers are red, green leaves are green

There's no need to see flowers any other way

Then the way they always have been seen." (Flowers are red, Harry Chapin)

I realized today that I was that boy in the song. I became so accustomed to being led by other people's opinions, that when adulthood came and I was presented to the world, I never found myself leading myself, just following in the footsteps of the opinions around me. So how do I get passed my blockade and learn to lead? My husband made note of one (eh, ish) things I consistently bring up and out: my defeatist attitude and the concept of not following through (ie, I rush through the ending and declare I am done vs. editing and proofreading).  So what's the first step from where I am at? In all honesty, if I didn't have people, I would be off in a hole away from anything I truly know. That would really force me into leading myself, but as it has become the road less traveled and I am on this road, how do I start from here.

I think at this moment, continuing this daily blog and that early morning quiet sit and soak will have to do.