Monday Musings-February 2021

*If your brain is like mine, the backtracking I may (or may not do) through this post may be confusing as I might talk about things that may not have been posted yet.*

So I sort of took a break in January from posting. It wasn't really planned but the road trip back was a little long (mostly because we covered a longer distances in a shorter amount of time-as it took 3 days instead of closer to four) and exhausting and by the time we recovered from the trip we were in the midst of re-establishing our routines of life: unpacking, sorting, working, playing, and all round getting back into the swing of all things normal; documenting our adventures just didn't meet in anywhere. Saying that, now that I am back to posting...I will probably end up back posting so January will be slowly showing up as it's original days.

Now, obviously even though I wasn't blogging about it, we did do things and I haven't figured out how to not think yet so processing and pondering was still going on (even blog post planning-though it was all mostly in my head) which brings me to today's post!

Now sometime in Dec 2020 (I think) I talked about being told I had a tone of voice that I considered my natural tone but it was problematic to other people. The name of the tone was revealed to me sometime during this trip home: condescending (with an added defensive whine to it when I am irritated or upset). As they say, knowing the name of things can be the first step in adjusting something. Now that I've had a month or so to process I can understand the possible reason it was given (as they acknowledged the downfall of it all being my obliviousness of not recognizing it), as it is apparently inherited as well as...assimilated?...from the people and environment I am/was around. I still am unsure of how to recognize/change it (besides taking a voice class and adapting to a different sound I hear) and while recording it (like my mother threated, and I think, actually did once growing up) helps to KNOW I am doing it, I never figured out how take that and apply it differently (probably due to my not understanding concepts as a whole vs only understanding them on a detailed situational bases). From all the research (articles, books, discussions with peers, experts, family, videos, analyzations/studies) that comes across my way, I think somehow starting with empathy will help. Again I am not sure how to start this in my small little world, however, they do say changing your outlook always changes your perception, ie, your mental thinking (which by evolution and scientific standards changes other factors that are attached such as your language skills (body and speech), and emotional state and even physical aspects that are attached to social and economical and possibly political happenings around you). Not to say I don't have any (or sympathy) but as hindsight shows me that all the times I found myself joking about (which was the way I dealt with all things)...everyone took me seriously and to heart (I was put in some embarrassing and unhappy situations from it) and somehow I transitioned from not being bothered and not being serious (or acting like it) to taking everything to heart and to head (and acting like it) which means I should probably find a happy medium right? Heh, writing this down, I don't really know how that last statement correlates to empathy (or sympathy) but in my head it does...somehow.

An idea on how I can approach this: well, slowing down maybe? Since I know my processor is already slower then most, I have internalized and externalized the art of interruption and always having something to say (as those "awkward" pauses kill me). This also might come from having a big(ish) family in a divorced state  (ie, single parenting and possibly not having an even  work/family balence) in which I felt like I was competing for time and attention (also that whole everything is new, unknown and scary bit). Learning to pause and accept the pauses-maybe counting in my head before speaking for responding?). Empathy is all about listening to the other person (not just putting yourself in their shoes) so hopefully this method will eventually help me do that...



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